There are few words to describe the emotions I have right now. One of my mission theme songs is called "Never be the Same." The lyrics sum up how I am doing right now.
"Sitting in this moment, I'm feeling things I've never felt before.
My heart is beating in my chest and I can't hold back my emotions anymore.
So many times I've asked and prayed to know it's real to feel this way.
And its sweeter than I ever imagined!
I'll never be the same! I have felt His love!
And there's no looking back
There's a fire that will remain!
'cause written on my soul is a witness of my own!
My faith has taken root and I have tasted the truth
My heart's forever changed! And I'll never be the same!
Sitting in this moment, I realize I've never felt such peace!
It's given me the strength to see, who I was and who I'm gonna be.
So many things I've longed to know
Now fill my heart and lift my soul!
And it's sweeter than I ever imagined!
I'll never be the same! I have felt His love!
And there's no looking back
There's a fire that will remain!
'cause written on my soul is a witness of my own!
My faith has taken root and I have tasted the truth
My heart's forever changed! And I'll never be the same!"
My sweet mother reminded me to pack lightly today. I have begun the process and discovered that one belonging I am taking home weighs much more than I thought it would. It has been the lightest and heaviest load on my mission. I truly know why they use the verb "to bear" when speaking of it. My testimony is my most valuable thing coming home with me. I have never felt this way before. The peace that comes with my own personal witness of the truthfulness of all this is my joy. It is my favorite gift which I am bringing home.
As I have had the privilege of spreading the gospel in the Balkans, I have SEEN the gospel change people. I have seen the evidence that the gospel really truly does bless people. It has been my greatest joy to watch the gospel come alive in others and myself. I know that the only way to true happiness is by living the gospel. I realized the other day, who WOULDN'T love what we teach? Eternal families, eternal progression, justice, grace, mercy... but the best part about it... We belong to the church which not only teaches great ideas, but holds the Priesthood power to make them TRUE and POSSIBLE! I love the church organization! I love that I belong to a church that requires sacrifice and offers opportunities to serve. As I have served now in 6 different branches, these chapel spaces down alleys and in apartment buildings have become my refuge. The Spirit dwells in places of worship.
Many people have asked me what my favorite thing about a mission is. That is an impossibly hard question. However, I believe I have narrowed it down to a few things. One being the relationships I have built. The most important is that which I have built with my Heavenly Father and His Son. I love my Father in Heaven. What a privilege to call Him my Father. As I was watching a Mormon Message this week about fathers and missing my own, I pondered on the fact that we call Him Father. My whole life, I have not woken up wondering if I would have food or wondering if I would be loved. I expected a roof over my head, food in my stomach and arms around me. It was just an expectation from a loving father (and mother). I never pondered what it took him to make those things possible. On my mission, I expect to get investigators. I have expected baptisms, miracles, the gift of tongues... I know He has prepared people for me to teach. I know he has touched those I could not. His effort compared to mine on my mission is incredible. As I look back at every experience I had, I cannot take credit for it. Like a loving father, He provides and deserves every ounce of credit. It was an honor to be an instrument in His hands in blessing His children. He always knew best. Every time.
Many people see missions as an opportunity to "pay God back" for the wonderful lives He has blessed us with. If anyone has a huge debt for their lives, I owe him a LOT for my wonderful life. Then I came to this land. I did not deserve this mission. As my mission is coming to a close, I realize I have never been more in debt to my Heavenly Father for blessing me with this mission.
Christ's atonement covered even me. I love Him. His atonement has become so real to me. Instead of being a word or an event, it is an enabling real thing in my life. I cry in gratitude for His suffering for me, but even more, for His suffering for the people I have worked so hard to invite to come unto Him. Every time someone accepts the message, I am thankful to know that the atonement was already there for that individual long before they accepted it.
Some relationships which have become so so so so precious to me are those which I have with my family. Especially my parents. I never expected the amount of support and love which I have received from each of you during my mission. From the mail and packages, to the emails, to the prayers, putting names in the temple... I have felt unspeakable amounts of love from my family during my mission. I will never be able to adequately express my sincere gratitude for each of your contributions to my mission so let me simply say Thank you. My love and respect for my parents in particular has grown. The amount of time I have kicked myself for not listening while growing up or each time I discover you were right... it's been humbling, that is for sure. My parents made the most AMAZING missionary parents. I have come to know why the first commandment with a promise is "Honor thy father and thy mother." I have been blessed beyond measure with wonderful parents. Each and every day, I did something they taught me. I preached a gospel they taught me. I lived a life, they showed me. Mom, dad, I love you. I am so so excited to be reunited with you!
With my reunion with my family in the very near future on my mind... the heart wrenching pain comes with the fact that with that precious reunion comes a bitter separation from another form of family whom I have loved in very sacred and unspeakable ways. My heart is completely torn apart at the thought of being separated from my people. Just like the people at the waters of Mormon felt.
"And now it came to pass that all this was done in Mormon, yea, by the waters of Mormon, in the forest that was near the waters of Mormon; yea, the place of Mormon, the waters of Mormon, the forest of Mormon, how beautiful are they to the eyes of them who there came to the knowledge of their Redeemer; yea, and how blessed are they, for they shall sing to his praise forever."
I have served in mountains and near great waters and here in the Balkans with many, I have come to the real knowledge of my redeemer. This place will hold a place in my heart for the eternities.
I have loved my mission. I will always be the happiest missionary in Europe. It was my honor and privilege to be a part of this marvelous work and wonder.
It truly was my joy.
С 'љубављу, сестра Хигинс